Home Relationships 7 Questions to Ask before You Draw Your Relationship Boundaries

7 Questions to Ask before You Draw Your Relationship Boundaries

guy and girl smiling flirting on a date sitting on a bench, relationship boundaries

Boundaries are meant to defend your relationship, not hinder or hurt it. No matter how spiritually ‘robust’ we predict we’re, all of us want them. We are all able to hurting others and even falling into sin, particularly sexual sin, even after receiving Christ. 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “So beware should you assume it may by no means occur to you, lest your delight turns into your downfall.”

It’s with this similar non secular delight that I nearly fell into sexual sin myself a number of instances before marriage. So I do know what sort of excuses we’re able to telling ourselves. As a single, I assumed the connection wouldn’t transfer ahead if I used to be too strict or if I didn’t “lighten” up a bit with the boundaries. This was one of many tips of the enemy within the backyard from the very starting.

With that being stated, I would like to provide you with seven questions to ask your self before you set your relationship boundaries. Now, don’t get it twisted, there are boundaries in marriage and just about each relationship we’ve got. However, these questions will assist you keep away from the ache that people expertise before the altar so that you don’t cross the road and convey additional baggage into your relationship. So, when you have a want to be in a relationship or are in a severe relationship now, this text is for you.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Motortion

  • Foot crossing over a boundary, boundaries in marriage

    What does God say about boundaries?

    Slide 1 of 7

    After God created the person, He gave him duty. However, that duty got here with boundaries. We can learn it in Genesis 2:15-17,

    “Then the LORD God took the person and positioned him within the Garden of Eden to domesticate and preserve it. And the LORD God commanded him, “You could eat freely from each tree of the backyard, however you will need to not eat from the tree of the information of fine and evil; for within the day that you just eat of it, you’ll certainly die.”

    Why did God give Adam the boundary to not eat of the tree of data of fine and evil? Was it to preserve Adam and finally Eve again from residing their greatest life stuffed with enjoyable and pleasure? Or was it as a result of God didn’t belief them? No. One of the explanations I consider was that He merely needed to defend the connection between Himself and His creation. Even although a boundary is outlined as a restrict, the enemy desires to pervert that definition and make us really feel that we’re being restricted and even flip our bodily limitations again on us to make us assume we’re much less beneficial. This is the furthest from the reality.

    God beloved Adam and He valued Adam similar to He values us at present.

    When studying this passage we generally neglect and browse previous the ‘each tree’ God really allowed Adam to partake in as a result of we’re so targeted on the one tree He advised him to keep away from. There is a lot that Adam may have loved if He simply targeted on God’s grace and favor on him within the backyard. Boundaries don’t simply preserve us in, however additionally they are designed to preserve the enemy out. By crossing the road, they entered into the enemy’s territory. The similar factor is true in {our relationships}. When we cross boundaries, we permit room for the enemy to assault us.

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  • man and woman walking in separate directions

    What has not labored for me up to now?

    Slide 2 of 7

    This is the place we’ve got to be each trustworthy with ourselves and clear with our important different. I might even say, “it’s time to get actual.” Now, we usually know that some people have experimented with medication, alcohol, and even sexual promiscuity up to now. We additionally know that persevering with this habits will lead to grave penalties. Being mature sufficient to see what has not labored for us up to now and placing the right boundaries in place will carry significant relationships into our lives. Additionally, this may even imply placing individuals in our lives to maintain us accountable so as to keep away from going again down these paths that led us into the pit to start with.

    As a toddler, I keep in mind being mischievous and disobeying my dad and mom extra instances than not. I nearly at all times obtained caught as a result of I used to be not inconspicuous or perhaps a good liar. Maybe my dad and mom had eyes at the back of their heads or employed an expert spy to ‘catch’ me? Who is aware of.

    Either method, as I grew older I noticed that there have been simply sure issues that triggered dangerous habits and I wanted to keep away from them. One being Instagram. I’ve put a lifetime ban on sure social media platforms. My spouse handles many of the accounts and I don’t even know the passwords. You may assume that is excessive, however I’m attempting to defend the connection with these I like. God first after which my spouse.

    So what are your triggers? What has gotten you in hassle in your romantic relationships up to now that has brought about you to sin? Who are your triggers? Which individuals hinder your relationship with God each time you might be round them? It’s time to get actual as a result of you may by no means construct something, particularly a romantic relationship, on lies and pretense! John 8:32 says “And you’ll know the reality, and the reality will set you free.” Jesus is the Truth we must always all search to intimately know. Ask Jesus what are your triggers? I’m assured He will gracefully reveal them to you.

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  • <strong>What are my non-negotiables?</strong>

    What are my non-negotiables?

    Slide 3 of 7

    Going into my relationship with my spouse, I had some non-negotiables. This is the place your group can are available in enormous when it comes to issues we simply mustn’t put up with. As we’ve got discipled a number of {couples}, we’ve got discovered that some individuals simply don’t know this info. They had been by no means taught about relationships and that they don’t have to ‘take’ sure messy conditions and occasions. Messy isn’t regular and dysfunction isn’t both. So to assist you with this query, I’m going to provide you with three of my non-negotiables you can take and make your personal.

    The first was not getting right into a relationship with an abusive individual. That was a giant one for me as a result of I had simply left a “situationship” that was verbally poisonous. You additionally don’t need to be in a relationship that’s bodily or spiritually abusive both. You have a proper to depart that relationship relationship. You are value extra. Secondly, I stated I didn’t need to be with somebody who had a historical past of unfaithfulness. How can you discover this out? You don’t rush right into a relationship and also you ask your romantic curiosity’s buddies about them. If you get in a relationship with somebody who’s at the moment dishonest to be with you, your relationship is only a mirror of what will probably be like sooner or later. Save your self heartache and simply let that individual go and permit each of you to heal.

    Lastly, I didn’t need to be with an unbeliever. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has mild with darkness?” It’s unwise to be part of along with somebody who doesn’t consider in the identical issues as you, particularly one thing as necessary as religion. However, time and time once more we see individuals disregard this precept and go down this path due to loneliness. God won’t ever inform us to marry somebody who isn’t a believer. What I say is that they are often an acquaintance, however this isn’t somebody you need to strive to get in a severe relationship with at this current time. It’s simply not sensible. This will prevent time and vitality you can spend serving the Lord as an alternative of missionary relationship. Been there and executed that.

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  • silhouette of hands reaching against city lights backdrop, things to stop taking for granted after pandemic

    What are my bodily boundaries?

    Slide 4 of 7

    I’m simply going to say it. God has known as us to be sexually pure. And what I discovered is that some individuals have by no means heard this before. So I can’t assume you’ve got heard it before both. In saying this, it’s crucial to return to query quantity two and actually ask your self what has not labored up to now? For me, I put myself in loopy conditions and I advised my then-girlfriend, now spouse, that I might not step inside her place if no different human being was there to watch us. I didn’t belief myself as a result of I failed at this up to now. So that was one among our first boundaries. You can try one among these loopy conditions in Chapter 4 of my guide #CompletelySingle.

    Also, we deliberately averted bodily hugs for lengthy intervals of time. You have to do what you’ve got to do, not solely to defend your purity and their purity but in addition your relationship with God.

    Another factor you need to take into account is boundaries concerning your bodily security. About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men skilled contact sexual violence, bodily violence, and/or stalking by an intimate companion and reported an IPV-related impression throughout their lifetime. These statistics had been taken in 2015 by CDC and had been the newest I discovered. This is why we should decelerate before we get in relationships simply to see the character of the individual. You don’t need to get harmed by somebody who doesn’t have self-control over their feelings and their bodily physique.

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/kieferpix

  • couple by cross at sunset

    What are my non secular boundaries?

    Slide 5 of 7

    Besides getting in a relationship with a believer, there are a number of different boundaries you will need to set up before coming into a romantic relationship spiritually. One being not entertaining different perception techniques. For some motive, that is in style in at present’s tradition to combine completely different perception techniques and dogmas. We should perceive that there isn’t any different gospel.

    Paul clearly shares this so eloquently in Galatians 1:6-10 which says,

    “I’m astonished that you’re so rapidly deserting the one who known as you to stay within the grace of Christ and are turning to a unique gospel — which is de facto no gospel in any respect. Evidently some individuals are throwing you into confusion and are attempting to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even when we or an angel from heaven ought to preach a gospel aside from the one we preached to you, allow them to be underneath God’s curse! As we’ve got already stated, so now I say once more: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel aside from what you accepted, allow them to be underneath God’s curse! Am I now attempting to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I attempting to please individuals? If I had been nonetheless attempting to please individuals, I might not be a servant of Christ.”

    This means you will need to set a boundary that guides you to worship God alone, not individuals, entertainers, or superstar non secular leaders and gurus.

    Another non secular observe to take into account adopting is limiting how a lot time you spend praying alone along with your important different you might be relationship. Yes, this may sound foolish however it is extremely sensible. God created us as non secular beings, and once we are intimately connecting and speaking with God, our hearts are additionally connecting intimately. I recommend you pray along with your important different, however spend extra time praying along with your accountability companion of the identical gender extra. This will defend you from creating non secular ties which may have an effect on your non secular stroll and adoration away from the Father. Oftentimes, {couples} turn out to be codependent with one another when it comes to their relationship with God. If they find yourself breaking apart, their relationship with God is usually left damaged as nicely.

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  • angry couple

    What are my emotional boundaries?

    Slide 6 of 7

    Let’s face it, relationships are robust, particularly when our feelings are concerned. This is why creating boundaries surrounding your feelings is essential in avoiding irrelevant arguments that aren’t helpful in your relationship.

    So, how can you make sure that your relationship is emotionally wholesome and never emotionally draining? The first suggestion is to create a boundary of Christian {couples} or same-gendered buddies who can converse the reality in love to you concerning your relational availability. You need to be sure you are healed and/or beginning on the therapeutic course of before leaping right into a severe relationship. This is a really mature and sensible factor to do as you don’t need to carry any additional baggage into the connection.

    As we talked earlier, we don’t need to be in an abusive state of affairs, however we additionally don’t need to abuse the opposite celebration. We have to at all times set boundaries on our feelings, actions, and habits. We don’t need to management or manipulate somebody out of concern.

    This boundary is all in regards to the coronary heart. Proverbs 15:13  says, “A joyful coronary heart makes a cheerful face, however when the center is gloomy, the spirit is damaged.” In your relationships, you need to at all times search the enjoyment of the Lord. He desires {our relationships} to be pleasant and stuffed with pleasure. Now, this doesn’t imply you’ll by no means be unhappy once more. But we are able to put ourselves in conditions the place we’re at all times unhappy as a result of we didn’t take time to put the right boundaries in place to defend our pleasure.

    An enormous purple flag in relationship relationships that unhealthy emotional people often say is, “They will finally change. So I suppose I’ll keep on this abusive/unhealthy relationship.” At this level, it’s time to search assist or gracefully break off the connection before somebody will get harm.

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  • <strong>What are my verbal (communication) boundaries?</strong>

    What are my verbal (communication) boundaries?

    Slide 7 of 7

    “ man brings good issues out of the great saved up in his coronary heart, and an evil man brings evil issues out of the evil saved up in his coronary heart. For the mouth speaks what the center is filled with.” (Luke 6:45)

    I actually need you to meditate on that scripture before we transfer on to this final query. I’m a giant advocate of taking duty in your personal actions before anticipating others to be accountable for theirs. In saying this, we should test and put boundaries on our tongue before anticipating our important different to. My spouse and I went out on a date once we had been courting, and coated a few of these boundaries. An enormous one was talking on the cellphone late at night time whether or not on Facetime or over the cellphone.

    I had discovered from the previous that after a sure time at night time I might say issues to flirt, however God convicted me that these phrases had been really to entice her to sin with me. This isn’t sensible and doesn’t carry God glory. Therefore, we agreed to get off the cellphone if we had been drained, or by 12 midnight.

    Some different issues we must be on guard for is mendacity, gossiping, slander, and even utilizing an offended tone. These are all issues that may be mentioned and outlined on a date along with your important different about your boundaries.

    Lastly, one main factor you need to look out for is that if an individual is flatterer. Proverbs 26:28 says, “A mendacity tongue hates these it crushes, and a flattering mouth works smash.” That phrase flattery within the unique language means a “clean talker.” Let me warn you, there are tons of clean talkers on the market, and I encourage you to set boundaries to keep away from individuals like this. Why? Because these individuals will puff up your ego, which could trigger pride and make you look previous your non-negotiables.

    I hope these seven questions helped you in your journey as you have interaction in romantic relationships. If you ever need to be taught extra about boundaries in relationship, please test Dr. Henry Clouds and John Townsends’ guide collection on ‘Boundaries.’ It is a wonderful useful resource. One factor I do know is that boundaries can save your relationship before it begins!

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Prostock-Studio


    Damien Nash headshotDamien Ok. H. Nash is an Award-Winning Certified Growth Coach and the writer of #CompletelySingle and the co-author of #CompletelyMarried. In 2019, he married his spouse Kenady Nash. Kenady is a Registered and Licensed Dietitian within the state of Georgia. Damien and Kenady consider their objective is to assist individuals turn out to be wholesome people and domesticate wholesome relationships. Their YouTube Channel: “Damien and Kenady” is used to ship content material that helps this ardour. Together, they take pleasure in touring, talking and eating at new eating places. (Head over to declare a free guide titled: How To Load Your Truck @ www.damienandkenady.com.)

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